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"Should we stay together for the sake of the kids?" I have had many couples come into my office -- either thinking of separating or already separated -- who are planning to live together under the same roof for the sake of their children. Most of these couples have not taken the time to examine the emotional costs associated with this choice, both to themselves and to their children. They tend to think that they should prioritize the children's need for an intact family over their own need to end their marriage. They believe that their children will be better off living with both parents than being shuttled back and forth between two different households. However, the idea of staying together until the children graduate high school may seem like a life sentence to warring partners. Children, particularly teenagers, have rigid moral codes that question hypocrisy and deceit. A backlash often occurs after the marriage is finally ended when the young adult child realizes the compromise the parents made to provide stability and security for the children. An emotionally sterile environment does not provide a positive role model for children to view marriage and can impact on the children's own abilities to form committed relationships. Whether two adults can put aside their differences and disappointments in a failed marriage and provide a loving and largely nonconflictual environment to raise children beyond adolescence can best be determined, on a case-by-case basis, within the context of a focused therapeutic examination of their individual capabilities. While there are obvious benefits of maintaining the lifestyle and family unit to the children, there are also substantial emotional costs to both parents and children. The long-term costs associated with the short-term gain of maintaining the pretence of a functional family should be realistically examined. << return to all articles |
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The Hope Centre for Family Law and Counselling 1881 Yonge St, SUite 504 Toronto, Ontario Phone: (416) 488-1241 Fax: (416) 488-4491 |
